I used to be a lot braver. I used to just push through my fear.
I have had limited energy these days for pushing through. Things that require more bravery are exhausting. They often end up in the too hard basket.
Though it’s true that I have been a little more fearless in my writing this year, there are still some things beyond this blog that I have held back from.
Lately, God has been bringing opportunities my way. Some that quite honestly terrify the heck out of me. I don’t at all feel equipped for them. But at the same time I feel like I am meant to chase them. My heart says chase, but my mind says run. I know from experience that my thoughts do not always have my best interests at heart, but sometimes they reason so loudly.
‘Who are you trying to kid?…..You are not good enough….Who are YOU to think that you are qualified to do these things?….You have no useful skills….You are going to fail…..You have nothing to offer……This isn’t possible or realistic….get real…’
That inner dialogue tends to sneak up on me and before I know it those words can influence my decisions.
I desperately want to live a life with no regrets. I want to tick things off my dream list. I want to live a life less ordinary but sometimes between the daily routine of the never-ending washing pile and the needs of our beautiful busy family it’s difficult to see outside of that. I’ve been a stay at home mum for 13 years and it’s been wonderful but I know now is the time to stop playing it so safe.
I guess it’s tough when safe is the more calming option.
As someone who suffers from anxiety, stepping into these things seems all the more frightening. The physical feeling can overwhelm like nothing else, this nagging doubt convinces you that even if you wanted to do these things, your body might not let you, you might just find yourself struggling to breathe.
There are new things ahead and I’ve said yes to them. I may have to drag my anxiety kicking and screaming along for the ride but I have said yes. Stepping into new things always starts with yes.
Yes first, deal with the panic later. Day by day. Conquering the next thing and celebrating that victory.
Anxiety and self doubt will always tell you that they are stronger. I have come far enough to know now that they are not.
I’m learning that God brings opportunities our way that we aren’t equipped for. This is completely intentional.
He says ‘Here, do you want this? If you do you’re going to have to trust me. Be brave. I’ll be your strength, I’ll help you to step into it, I’ll be with you.’
This is about speaking truth into that place, the place that our thoughts tell us is too scary. This is a challenge for me to keep doing. It’s one day at a time. It’s continuing to keep pushing forwards. With gentle self encouragement and a formidable spirit.
It’s all to easy to tell ourselves we will take these opportunities one day when we are more ‘qualified’ to do so. But the truth is we are never ready. We never will be. There is always something that begs us to hold back. Now is the time.
In the coming months this is something I plan to write about as I journey through.
And I have to say this – I’ve learnt this in such a big way this year – Loving the journey isn’t always without struggle – you can love the journey and find it incredible hard at the same time. Hard isn’t always a bad thing. Hard just shows you what you are capable of. When you get through that one hard thing and celebrate it, you feel more confident in attempting the next thing. That’s the way this thing works. It tends to snow-ball but in a good way.
Will it still be scary? Heck yes! But God is faithful. And with him we can do things that are scary.
I promise to keep you guys updated.
Much love and bravery for the week ahead,
Photo credit – Blubel